Hetalia Crack O' Fail
by Vicious Whispers
Summary: Alfred doesn't lock his doors. Russia's after Prussia and Canada, and Belarus is after Russia. England just wants to sleep & Prussia just wants pancakes. Oh, and...Poland. COMPLETE CRACK. Rated T for Language.
1. Episode One, Part One: Anyone There?

**A/****N**  
So, this is probably the worst thing ever written, even for me.  
My friend **(****Hetalia-Freaks-INC****)**** and I have been planning to give each other history lessons, via deviantART, for a while, since, I'm from the states and she's from Canada. Well, uhm, we were going to make an actual historical thing, and ended up with this. I'm sorry, I really am. There'll be more of these. Like, we'll make another one tonight. xD**

**I apologize if this is confusing for a great deal of the first part. Like I said, this was over deviantART chat, and we were replying to each other's posts, and sometimes they were in a jumbled order. If it's really that big of a hassle, I'll edit it around. Also, I'm keeping the usernames in for now. When I'm less exhausted from gym, I'll take them out. (Edit: FIX'D. You're welcome. :3)  
**

**HETALIA CRACK EPISODE ONE**  
**Starring: ****Hetalia-Freaks-INC**** as America, Prussia, Russia, and Belarus**  
**And me as England, Canada, and Poland**  
**Episode one Part one: Anyone there?**

* * *

**in England's house a telephone rings**

England: "Bollocks...Who is calling me at bloody eight in the morning?!"  
England: "Ello, what do you want?"  
America :"Iggy! Iggy!"  
America: "There's some weird guy in my house!"  
England: -slides palm across face- "America, do you even know what time it is? ...Wait, what?"_ It's too early for this..._  
England: "Who's in your house? DON'T YOU LOCK YOUR BLOODY DOORS?!"  
America:"I don't know who it is! And a hero doesn't need to lock his doors!"  
England: "'_Hero_' or not, don't you know what your crime rate is? It's bloody terrible, you know, and getting worse with your declining economy... -sighs- Regardless, what does the man look like? If you haven't been mugged yet, I can guess he's not there to harm you."  
America: "..he kind of looks like me..." 030  
England: "America... I think you're just looking in a _mirror_."  
Canada: "I-I'M CA-NA-DA. YOUR BROTHER, REMEMBER?!"  
America: "It's not a mirror! I SWEAR! I do it once and you hold it against me forever"  
America:"....who?"  
Prussia: "Mathew you weren't at your house and I wanted pancakes! I knew you'd be here! I'm just that awesome"  
England: "Maybe I wouldn't, if it hadn't been an incident just a few years ago!"  
Canada: "G-Gilbert! H-How did you know I was going to be here? I just d-decided to visit yesterday."  
America: "aww Iggy come on. It was ONCE!"  
Prussia: "cause I'm awesome that's how"  
England: "Alright, alri- Wait...Is that _Prussia_ in the background? -mutters to self- Bloody hell, so much for sleeping."  
Canada: "R-Right... I guess I-I'll make pancakes, then.. Alfred, can I u-use your kitchen?"  
America: "Yeah it is? wonder why he's here..."  
Prussia: "YES! Mathew those things are SO FUCKING AWESOME!"  
England: "It's people like Gilbert that are the _reason_ you should lock your doors, Alfred."  
Canada: "-waits- Oh, of course. America won't a-answer me. I'll just use it..."**  
England's doorbell rings**  
England: -sighs- "Why England? Why must everyone annoy the bloody hell out of England? I swear if it's that damn frog, he's getting shot."  
Poland: "LIKE, ENGLAND~! I know you're like, totally a boring old man, but I was like in London, and we should like, totally---"  
England: "NOT. TODAY." -slams door-  
America: "But why? Prussia is my friend, why would I want him to not be able to get in my house"  
Prussia: "I can't wait go cook them now! Ore-sama is hungry"  
**someone knocks on America's door**  
America: "Oh a visitor~"  
England: "Because Prussia is a bloody bad influ-- Oh, whatever I don't care anymore..."  
Canada: "A-Alright... -walks off to the kitchen-"  
Kumajiro: "Who...?"  
Russia: "Hello America~ I was looking for my wives I thought they might be here, oh there they are"  
Canada: "The guy that FEEDS you..."  
Prussia: "Oh shit! Mathew hurry, Ore-sama needs to eat and run!"  
America: "Wives?"  
Canada: "W-Wha-- -hides behind corner- G-GILBERT, I CAN'T MAKE THEM THAT FAST!"  
Russia: "Yes my wives~"  
Prussia: "Matti grab whatever you got done and RUN!"  
Russia: "Aww don't run from your husband Gilbo~"  
Canada: -looks around frantically & grabs the pitcher of pancake mix-  
England: "IS THAT RUSSIA?! CORRECTION, ALFRED, _THAT_ IS WHY YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS."  
Prussia: "OH GOD! DON'T COME NEAR ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE KIDNAPPED!"  
Russia: "Kidnap you? I just want to take my wives home"  
Prussia: "OH GOD MATTI HELP ORE-SAMA!"  
Russia: "Awww~ come here Gilbo~" **Russia runs over to Prussia and grabs him**  
Canada: "Oh h-he won't care.." -throws pancake mix- "G-GILBERT!" -clings to Prussia's back-  
England: "Alfred... What the bloody hell is going on?!"  
America: "Uhh Russia is here and he has Prussia and the guy I told you about is clinging to his back"  
Prussia: "OH GOD! ALFRED DON'T JUST STANED THERE! HELP ORE-SAMA!"  
Russia: "Oh look~ I have both of my wives~ let's go home da~"  
England: "Why today...? Alfred, don't get involved. I'm coming over there. Bloody hell..." -pulls on coat-  
Canada: "S-Shit.. _R-RUN_ GILBERT!"  
Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HELP ALFRED HELP!"  
Russia: **grabs Canada and Prussia and heads for the door**  
Canada: "A-Alfred! D-DO SOMETHING!"  
America: "Oh wait Russia stay awhile Iggy's coming over and you left some vodka in my fringed"  
Russia: "Oh vodka you say? Maybe I'll stay a little bit longer da~"  
Prussia: "Thank god! I get to live a little bit longer!"  
America: "Oh I'll go get it"  
Poland: "Oh, like, hey England. I knew you'd like, come back out. So there's like, this fashion show going on right now, and like, Liet couldn't like, make it---"  
England: "Not now, Feliks. I've got to go help Alfred with this bloody mess he got himself into."  
Canada: "G-Gilbert, when he's not looking, g-get us o-out of here..."  
**someone else knocks on America's door**  
America: "Who could that be?"  
Belarus: "NII-CHAN I KNOW YOUR IN THERE LET ME IN!"  
Russia: "Comrade America hide me and my wives da"  
America: "uh...okay?"  
Prussia: "oh god not her to!"  
Poland: "Oooh, I haven't like seen Alfred in like, foreverrrr~ Can I come?!"  
England: "Russia's there."  
Poland: "Oh! Li-like, I totally remembered I had like, something to do."  
Canada: "G-Gilbert-t-t...LET'S GO. NOW."  
Russia: **Death grips Prussia and Canada to his chest**  
Russia: "Wives I don't know if we're going to make it"  
America: "Belarus Russia's not here he's at.....France's house, go there"  
Belarus: "France's house? HOW DO I KNOW YOUR NOT LYING!"  
America: "Do heroes lie?"  
Canada: "A-Alfred... You're an _idiot_."  
England: -evil grin- "No, wait, Feliks. I think Russia actually just left! -thoughts- _Maybe Russia will go after this bugger_."  
Poland: "Oh~! Like, okay!"  
Belarus: "...If your lying I'll raid your house when you least expect it!"  
America: "heroes don't lie!"  
Russia: "I hope she leaves"** still death griping Prussia and Canada to his chest**  
**Poland & England almost arrive at Alfred's place....using magical time traveling skills that nations seem to have**  
Poland: "And Lith was like, 'Feliks, why are you wearing a skirt?' and I was like, 'Uhm, because it's _hot_.'"  
England: "-nods- Right. Uh-uh. -freezes- SHIT. IT'S BELARUS. -throws self into a bush-"  
Belarus: "Fine!" **she leaves**  
Canada: "I c-can't...breath..."  
Prussia: "..well one of our troubles is gone"  
Russia: "Da~ she is gone Gilbo~"  
England: -armycrawls towards Alfred's- "Hah! Nobody's as good at this as England!"  
Poland: "W-What? L-Like, Belarus?!" -throws hands over eyes-  
Belarus: "ENGLAND I SEE YOU THERE! AND POLAND! WHY ARE YOU HERE WHERE IS MY NII-CHAN?!?"  
Russia: "quick my wives let's leave out the back window"  
Prussia: "...I'd rather live Russia"  
Canada: "C-Can you...let go...a little?"  
England: "-Pulls out Britannia wand- NO, YOU DON'T!"  
Poland: "L-Like, Russia was at America's, b-but, England said he like, left."  
Belarus: "...AMERICA YOU LIED!"  
Canada: "-coughs from lack of oxygen- ALFRED, Y-YOU _IDIOT_."  
Belarus:** she bangs on the door** "AMERICA WHERE IS MY NII-CHAN! LET ME SEE HIM! STOP HIDING HIM!"  
Russia: **he loosens his grip so Canada can breath but can't get away**  
England: "-makes a puff of smoke appear- ...BOLLOCKS, WHY CAN'T I EVER DO THIS RIGHT?!"  
Canada: -gasps-  
Prussia: "Alfred make sure Ore-sama is safe sacrifice your self for us"  
Canada: "Alfred, w-why don't you have a security s-system like everyone e-else?!"  
America: "why would a hero need something like that ..whoever you are"  
Canada: "I'm C-Canada... Your _brother_. Oh...w-whatever."  
England: "-ignoring- I DID THE ENCHANTMENT CORRECTLY! WHY WON'T IT BLOODY WORK?!"  
America: "..._right right_"  
Prussia: "Hurry up Alfred go sacrifice your self for Ore-sama"  
Canada: "-mumbles- I think I-I might agree w-with you this t-time..."  
America: "what was that?"  
Canada: "_Now he hears me_. N-Nothing, Alfred."  
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! NII-CHAN!"  
Prussia: "Oh god I don't want to die here not without my pancakes!"  
Russia: "Maybe if we're quite she'll go away?"  
England: "-poofs in- YES! I BLOODY DID IT!"  
Canada: "G-Gilbert, pancakes are t-the least of our w-worries. I'll m-make you some l-later..."  
America: "SORRY BELARUS BUT HE'S NOT HERE"  
America: "...IGGY WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?"  
Prussia: "...pffttt AHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
Russia: "Oh hello comrade England~"  
England: "-looks down and turns red- B-Bloody hell..."  
Canada: "Oh g-god..."  
Poland: "ENGLAND, LIKE, ARE YOU INVISIBLE NOW?!"  
England: "-uses magical appearing tray to cover ass-"  
America: "...here cover up with this"** he hands him his jacket**  
Prussia: "pfffttt England your magic fails"  
England: "T-Thank you... -quickly puts it on & wraps himself in it-"  
England: "S-Shut up!"  
Russia: "Comrade England what happened to your clothes?"  
England: "Oh h-hello Russia... I um... Can we just drop this?"  
Canada: "Am I-I the only one w-who's eyes are b-bleeding?"  
America: "no problem Iggy it's what heroes do"  
Russia: "Don't let Belarus know I'm here"  
Russia: "I need to keep me and my wives safe"  
Poland: "-on cellphone- LIET!? LIKE, ENGLAND IS INVISIBLE! Oh my god, I have like, such a great story to tell you. Like, to the MAX. -walks off-"  
England: "R-Right.."  
Prussia: "I am not your wife!"  
America: "Iggy I'll go get you some clothes"  
Russia: "And the vodka you promised me"  
Canada: "N-NO! N-Not right! A-Arthur, aren't you here to help us?!"  
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! NII-CHAN! I KNOW YOUR IN THERE!"  
England: "...Who are you? & Thank you, A-Alfred." -thoughts- _Vodka? Oh, I'll need a drink as well._  
Prussia: "FOR I LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GET ME AWAY FROM THIS GUY!"  
Canada: "-jumps- W-Why won't she j-just go a-away? _I'd rather be kidnapped by Russia_  
America: **he brings back a shirt that on the Front it says "Alfred F. Jones" and on the back it says "THE F STANDS FOR FUCK YEAH AMERICA!"**  
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! AMERICA! LET ME IN! OR WHEN I FIND I WAY IN I'LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT!"  
England: "...Really? That's all you have? It'll have t' do, I suppose. _& Of course he didn't bring any pants. At least the shirt is big enough._"  
England: -jumps slightly- "WOULD SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER?!"  
America: **Ignores her**  
Prussia: **is still being held hostage?**  
England: -slips on shirt & re-wraps himself in America's jacket-  
Russia: "what can I do?"  
Canada: "G-Gilbert...do you h-have _any_ sort of plan? B-Because you usually d-do..."  
Prussia: "Right cause Ore-sama is awesome o-of course I have a plan"  
Canada: -sighs in relief-  
Prussia: "Well first we...uh..we see what we have in the house. Yeah! Alfred what do you have in your house that could hold off a mob?"  
England: -casually sneaks away from door & towards Alfred-  
Russia: **holds them close to his chest**  
Canada: "S-Shit...N-Not again..."  
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! AMERICA I SWEAR I'LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT LET ME IN!!"  
England: "Unfortunately, I highly doubt that America would have anything to ward off a mob. He doesn't even _lock his doors_ afterall." -keeps sneaking closer-  
Belarus: "..he doesn't? hahahahahahahaha Nii-chan I'll get to become one with you yet"  
America: "IGGY! WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT?!?"  
England: "Alfred...TELL ME YOU LOCKED YOUR DOOR _NOW_."  
England: "WHAT KIND OF A BLOODY IDIOT ARE YOU?! BELARUS WAS BOUND TO FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER!"  
America: "QUICK!" **He runs to the door and locks it _like a hero_**  
England: "-runs to the back door to lock it-"  
Belarus: "DAMN YOU AMERICA! I'LL FIND A WAY IN SOON!"  
America: **Locks all the windows on the first floor**  
England: -runs back to original spot- "Really, America, what the bloody hell were you thinking?!"  
Prussia: "okay...now that's solved...for now"  
Canada: "I h-highly doubt that..."  
America: **locks all the windows on the second floor**  
England: "Well at least he's being efficient now..."  
America: **and the third floor**  
America: **and lastly the fourth floor**  
England: "-facepalms- Really, who needs four floors when they live alone?"  
America: **runs down and back over to England** "Iggy your house is huge! And you live alone to"  
England: "W-Well...I used to raise you! I n-needed a bigger house!"  
Prussia: "...you two should get a room already, or HELP US DAMN IT!"  
Canada: "YOU U-USED TO RAISE ME TOO, YOU KNOW!"  
England: "-glances- Oh, _right, right_."  
Russia: "Why would my wives need help when the threat is gone?"  
Prussia: "Pffttt gone?!? Only one is gone!"  
Canada: " -whispers- G-Gilbert, don't m-make him mad..."  
England: "-just realizing Gilbert's comment- G-Get a room?! What the bloody hell are you insinuating?!"  
Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SOMEONE HELP!"  
Russia: "Help you with what Glibo?"  
Russia: "I should be the one to help my wives I am your husband after all"  
England: -mumbling quietly to self- "G-Get a room? As if _I_ would even think of doing _anything_ with Alfred. The hell did he get such an idea from."  
America: "...oh that's a good idea! we could all hide upstairs"  
England: "-flustered- O-Of course! Because that was what Gilbert was referring to!"  
Prussia: "_Sure, sure it was, you go and believe tha_t"  
Russia: "....hmm maybe I should go _hide_ in a different room with my wives"  
Prussia: "OH HELL NO! ORE-SAMA DOESN'T WANT TO!"  
Canada: "-to self- I h-have a feeling that anything I-I say will be ignored..."  
Russia: "Now why would I ignore my wives?"  
Canada: -is speechless after being talked to directly by someone other than Prussia asking for pancakes-  
England: -just happens to scoot closer to America-  
Russia: **get's up and brings his 'wives' to a different room to 'hide'**  
Canada: "D-Dammit..."  
Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENGLAND! STOP FLIRTING WITH AMERICA AND HELP US!"  
England: "I'M _NOT_ FLIRTING WITH ALFRED!"  
Prussia: "YES YOU ARE! NOW HELP US!"  
Canada: "Y-yeah, Arthur! D-Do something!"  
England: "...Why should I help you, Gilbert? And...I'm sorry, but who are you?"  
Russia:** "What do you need help with wives?"**  
Russia: "He's Canada"  
England: "....Canada? Canada...? -random epiphany- OH, CANADA! When did you get here? & How did you get past Belarus?!"  
Prussia: "HE'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME"  
Canada: "-sighs- I g-give up..."  
England: "-looks at America- Has he really? No, couldn't be. I would have noticed if he was."  
Prussia: "NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP"

* * *

**To be continued in Episode one Part two: HIDE AND SEEK**

**If you didn't know, England appeared randomly in his sexy waiter uniform~ ;D  
& I kept him in America's jacket for no reason, because THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.**

**There may or may not be a "commentary" of this, with or random OoC thoughs o' fail.  
I have to see if she still has it.**

**Review~?  
**


	2. Mini Episode One: SAY WHAT? !

**A**/**N: I went to see Avatar again today, so this was a VERY MINI episode. There's the possibility of a much larger one tonight -crosses fingers-**

**ENTER FROZENAURAWOLF AS FRANCE 3  
**

**MINI EPISODE ONE  
** **say what?**

* * *

America: "....wait who is in my house again?"  
Prussia: "Ore-sama (me), Matti, _Russia_ and England"  
Russia: "Oh there you are my wife~"  
Prussia: "OH SHIT! WHERE'S FRANCE WHEN YOU NEED HIM!"  
England: "NO, WE DON'T NEED THAT BLOODY FROG, AT ANY TIME."  
America: "Right right"  
Belarus: "DAMN IT LET ME IN!"  
France: **Appears at random , while crashing through a window~** "Bonjour~! Mon amis~"  
Belarus: **jumps through the window** "NII-CHAN!"  
England: "_BLOODY FUCKING HELL_."  
America: "..OH SHIT IT'S BELARUS! RUN IGGY RUN!"  
Russia: "FRANCE! YOU LET BELARUS IN!"  
Canada: "G-Gilbert, what d-do we do?!"  
England: "WHERE, YOU IDIOT?!"  
France: *Stares at Russia* Oh did not know that I let her in!?  
Russia: **grabs his wives and runs for his life and theirs**  
France: HEY YOU CAN NOT TAKE MON PETITE MATTHEW AWAY! **chases after Russia**  
Prussia: "RUN FASTER RUSSIA ORE-SAMA DOESN'T WANT TO DIE!"  
Canada: "W-Why is this h-happening...? I just wanted to v-visit Alfred... -sighs-"  
America: **Grabs England and runs to the nearest closet**  
England: "The hell do you think you're doing?!"  
Prussia: "FASTER RUSSIA! FASTER! SAVE ORE-SAMA AND MATEW!"  
France: **jumps on Russia** TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MON PETITE MATTHEW RUSSIA."  
France: And..Er.. Prussia too!  
Russia:** is jumped on but keeps running**  
Canada: "-maplesqueaks-"  
Prussia: "FRANCE NO TIME IF BELARUS CATCHES ONE OF US SHE'LL KILL US!"  
Prussia: "ORE-SAMA IS TO AWESOME TO DIE!"  
France: **jumps on Russia again** " But I don't want mon Petite Matthew to die!  
America: "shut it Iggy we need to hide from Belarus she said she'd claw my eyes out"  
America: "And if Russia is afraid of her I am too"  
England: "-whispers- Yes, but you could have picked a better location then the _closet_. There's only _on_e escape route in this bloody thing!"  
Russia: "THEN GET OFF ME COMRADE FRANCE I NEED TO RUN TO SAVE MY WIVES AND ME!"  
Belarus: "FRANCE! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I'LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF!"  
Russia: "RUN FRANCE RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

* * *

**GET IT, THE "CLOSET"? -is shot a million times-**


	3. Episode One, Part Two: Hide and Seek

**A**/**N: I really hate when has server errors. It killed me a little inside to save this over the mini episode. D:**

**LOOK, WE MADE MOAR. Back to the original plotline. Starts back up before the mini episode. & Alfred & Arthur are ridiculously productive in this episode~ -shot-  
**

**Warnings: Awkward Alfred & Arthur & -ahem- something happens to our favorite Prussian.**

**Same people played the same characters.  
**

* * *

**Part Two: Hide and Seek**

America: "Iggy let's hide upstairs now like Russia and Prussia and what's his face"

England: "Is upstairs really the best option? What if we have to jump out the bloody window?"

America: "It's that or the down stairs closet Iggy"

England: "YOUR SECOND OPTION WAS EVEN WORSE!"

America: "It's all we got"

Prussia: **screams to the people down stairs** "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP US!"

England: "Fine, whatever. -winces at the yell-"

Canada: "I-I don't think they're l-listening, G-Gilbert..."

Russia: "Why do my wives need help?"

Prussia: "OH GOD I SHOULD BE THE ONE SEIZING VITAL REGIONS NOT HIM!"

Russia: "Hmm?"

America: ".....come on Iggy up stairs"

England: "-sighs-" _But I don't want to help Prussia..._

America: **pulls on England's arm**

England: "I can get upstairs my bloody self, Alfred!"

America: "I'm the hero I have to help _the elderly_"

England: "S-Shut up, you git!"

America: "You shut up and let me do my job"

Prussia: "STOP FIGHTING AND HELP ORE-SAMA AND MATHEW!"

England: "-mumbles- You know, just because you're the self-proclaimed hero, doesn't mean you have to help everybody."

Canada: "S-Stop fighting? I d-don't think that's p-possible."

America: "Yes I am a hero thanks for agreeing with me"

Prussia: "GREAT YOU AGREE NOW HELP US DAMN IT HELP US!"  
England: "WHY MUST YOU YELL ALL THE BLOODY TIME?!"

Prussia: "CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE GRAPED!"

England: "-moves towards the stairs- It's your own medicine, you damn pervert."

Prussia: "SHUT UP SUPER UKE!"

England: "-splutters- T-THE...THE HELL'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"

America: "...what's an uke Iggy?"

England: "-turns red- J-Just look it up later..."

Prussia: "NEVER MIND ALFRED JUST HELP ORE-SAMA"

Prussia: "YOUR ORE-SAMAS FRIEND RIGHT?"

America: "Alright, alright, give the hero a minute"

America: **grabs Iggy bridal-style and goes upstairs**

England: "W-What the hell, Alfred?! PUT ME DOWN!"

America: "There are a lot of stairs your to _old_ to climb up them by yourself"

England: "I'll have you know, I am perfectly capable of climbing a flight of stairs! I am not that bloody old!"

Russia: **cuddles Prussia and Canada**

America: _"sure you are sure"_

Prussia: "stop it let go of Ore-sama!"

Canada: -squirms uncomfortably-

England: -crosses arms- "Git.."

Prussia: "Un-hand Ore-sama! I demand you un-hand Ore-sama!"

Russia: "Gilbo you're my wife, I'll cuddle my wives if I want to."

Prussia: "AND ORE-SAMA WANT'S HIS PANCAKES!"

Russia: **Kisses Prussia forehead** "Later"

Canada: "-internally facepalms- G-Gilbert, that's not e-exactly the problem a-at h-hand...!"

Prussia: "H-HEY! DON'T DO THAT! NO ONE KISSES ORE-SAMA INLESS ORE-SAMA SAYS SO!"

Russia: "So~ Matti~ I hear you make good pancake, is this true?"

England: "-chuckles- Oh, no, _poor_ Prussia."

Canada: "U-Um...y-yeah, I g-guess s-so..."

Russia: **Kisses Canada's forehead to** "Then I'd like some to later"

Canada: -squirms- "U-Uh...o-oka-ay...?"

America: **is finally up all five flights of stairs even thou it's only four floors**

England: "...Did I just imagine it, or did you have five flights of stairs? HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?!"

America: "..it happened after Tony moved in"

England: "_Riiiight_. Tony the 'alien'."

America: **trips well still holding England**

England: -falls on top of him- "What the bloody hell was that for?!"

America: "Ow..."

England: "Oh...right...Are you okay, Alfred?"

America: "um yeah I think...um"

Prussia: "SOMEONE PLEASE ORE-SAMA NEEDS HELP! GOD I WISH WEST WAS HERE!"

America: "Iggy.. are you okay?"

England: "Yes...I believe I'm fine. You kind of broke my fall."

America: "Oh that's good"

Russia: "-whispers- Shhh, Gilbo, don't ruin there moment"

Canada: "M-Moment...? W-What...?"

Russia: **kisses Canada's forehead again** "-whispers- Never mind that"

Canada: -shifts uncomfortably-

America: "...um..so...."

England: "Yes?"

America: "I...um...I don't know"

England: "-chuckles-"

America: "Iggy!"

England: "Yes? What is it?"

America: "You laughed!"

England: "Yes...I suppose I did."

America: "you have a sense of _humor_"

Prussia: "...someone anybody? Please help Ore-sama"

England: "Well, _clearly_. Honestly, Alfred, do you realize the obvious things you say sometimes?"

Canada: "H-How long does it t-take to walk up a few f-flights of s-stairs?"

America: "But, but...that's a huge thing for you!"

England: "...I suppose it is. I suppose I really _don't_ laugh very often. Quite honestly, I don't remember why I had laughed in the first place."

America: "..um well..it's because....um I don't remember either"

England: "Strange. -pauses & turns red- I...um...I j-just realized that I'm lacking sufficient..._pants_. -pulls large shirt down a little-"

England: "-props self up a little-"

America: "..o-oh right"

England: "-moves to sit on the floor next to Alfred- Well, that was a rather awkward realization."

England: "-self consciously tries to stand up without showing his ass, but ends up losing his balance-"

America: "oh look out"

England: "-just happens to fall back on top of Alfred- Oof! B-Bloody hell..."

Prussia: "-whispers- Mathew I don't think they're coming to help us they'll be to busy raping each other"

America: **catches him with his lap**

Canada: "-splutters- W-What?!"

Russia: "-whispers- Help you with _what my_ wives"

Prussia: "-whispers-..Mathew he's on to us"

Russia: **huggles them**

Prussia: "Stop that! Ore-sama doesn't want that"

Canada: "-mumbles incoherently-"Russia: "What was that Matti?"

Canada: "-still babbles- A-Alfred...A-Arthur...-needs mindsoap for the mental images-"

Prussia: "Get over it Mathew we have bigger problems"

Canada: "-snaps out of it- R-Right..."

America: "uh....I...."

England: "-red faced- Uh, I'm...er...sorry about that, A-Alfred."

America: "it's ..uh....it's okay"

England: "-looks away awkwardly-"

Canada: "-finally cracks- A-ARE YOU TWO G-GONNA HELP US O-OR WHAT...?"

America: "oh right"

Prussia: "PLEASE HELP ORE-SAMA AND MATHEW!"

Russia: "Help you with _what_"

Russia: **bit's Prussia neck lightly**

Prussia: "ORE-SAMA DOES NOT WANT!"

England: "...Who? Oh, yes, the man who resembles you." America: "and Prussia"

Russia: **smiles** "Quite down Gilbo"

England: "...Yes, Gilbert. _Right_."

Prussia: "ORE-SAMA DOES NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!!"

Russia: **bites harder** "Pipe down Gilbo"

Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HELP! ORE-SAMA WAS THREATENED!"

Russia: "Gilbo be good or I'll have to tie you up"

England: "-monotone- Oh noooo, it seems as if Gilbert is in trouble."

England: "Like I said, _your own damn medicine_, Gilbert."

Prussia: "I SWEAR ENGLAND! I WILL RAPE YOUR CHILDREN IF YOU DON'T HELP ORE-SAMA"

Canada: "-maplesqueaks-"

England: "-chuckles & mumbles to self- Who's the 'super uke' now?"

Prussia: "YOU ARE YOU STUBBORN BASTARD."

England: "-face reddens cause he knows it's still true-"

Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! PLEASE HELP ORE-SAMA!"

England: -ignores-

America: "Iggy don't ignore my friend"

England: "-huffs- Fine, I suppose we should finally help him, since he threatened to 'rape you' and all."

America: "Actually he said he'd rape 'all your children' Iggy"

England: "I'm not too worried about Hong Kong and Australia. But _you're_ a bloody idiot."

Canada: "I-I'm your 'child' t-too!"

England: "Right, right."

England: "-_reluctantly_ crawls off America's lap & stands up- Well, are we going to help them?"

America: "Yup that's what heroes do"

England: "-smirks and gestures for _the hero_ to go first-"

America: **Picks him up again and walks to the room Russia Prussia and the other guy are in**

Prussia: **is tied up and only half dress** "Thank god! Save Ore-sama!"

England: "Why the hell did you pick me up again?!"

America: "I'm faster then you"

Russia: **Also tied up Canada but left Canada's clothes on**

England: "-facepalms- We were a few feet from the doorway, git."

Canada: "F-Finally!"

Russia: "...why are you interrupting me when I'm having fun with my wives?"

Prussia: **...missing his..?**

Russia: **Has Prussia's shirt**

England: "-whispers- Um, Alfred, what exactly was your plan here?"

America: "-whispers-...what plan?"

England: "-whispers-B-Bloody hell, you mean you planned to take on Russia by just _winging it_? You really are an idiot, aren't you?"

Russia: "..." **bites Prussia lower lip and ignores England and America**

Canada: "...R-Really? They're f-fighting _again_? -sighs-"

Prussia: **Lower lip is bitten "MHHPMM!"**

England: "-whispers- Ugh, never mind. Put me down, I have an idea."

America: **Puts England down**

Russia: **Ignores them more and shoves his tongue in Prussia mouth **

Prussia: "MHOIADHAOIDHOIAHDAJ!" **freaks when Russia does that**

Canada: "-secretly dies inside-"

England: "-quickly pats self- Wait...wh-where's my Britannia wand?!"

Prussia: "HWALP! MHGHGAD HWALP!"

England: "Shit! Bloody fucking hell! _Where is it?!_ -keeps searching-"

America: "Huh? Prussia I can't understand what your saying"

Russia: **bends forward and pins Prussia to the wall**

Prussia: "MMMRUGH! MAMHGHGHMMMUGHW!"

Prussia: **face is red _for lack of oxygen_**

Canada: "MAPLE!"

Russia: **Pulls back to let him breath**

Prussia: **gasps** "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! PLEASE ORE-SAMA NEEDS HELP!"

England: "-runs and hides behind Alfred- I c-can't find it! You do something! _You're the hero_."

America: "Right! I am the hero!"

Russia: **bends forward and pins Prussia to the wall again the same way as before**

Prussia: "MUGHW! MGW! MHWP!"

England: "Well, then, _do something_!"

Russia: **Is busy getting read to rape Prussia**

Canada: "-tries to wriggle free- W-WILL _SOMEBODY_ D-DO SOMETHING! HE'S GOING TO R-RAPE M-MY G-GILBERT!"

Canada: "-awkward pause- I-I....I m-mean..."

Prussia: "MHGH! NMUGHWGHUWN!"

Prussia: "MRGHW! MGHNWMW!"

[[Raped!Prussian Translation: "Russia! Take me now it will be epic"]]

Russia: **Nearly crushes Prussia against the wall**

Prussia: "M-Mghw! Mghwungh! m-mughnw!"

[[Raped!Prussian Translation: "Canada! Help your husband! we're soo awesome polygamists"]]

America: "um ...uh...."

Russia: **Pulls back again to let Prussia breath again**

England: "-shoves America forward- I don't bloody care if you don't have a plan! DO. SOMETHING. ALFRED."

Prussia: **Huff** "you ..guys" **huff** "help damn it"

Russia: **First puts his finger on Prussia's lips then goes back to kissing him**

America: **Falls on to Russia** "Oh shit- uwah!"

Russia: **has someone fall on him which makes him fall harder on Prussia but is some how still kissing him**

Prussia: **is crushed by lips... and tongue**

America: "..well that didn't work now did it Iggy"

England: "S-Shut up!"

Prussia: **CAN'T BREATHE**

England: "-epiphany- WAIT, I'VE BLOODY GOT IT. -runs out of room-"

Russia: **Still kisses Prussia even if he can't breath**

Canada: "A-Arthur! I d-don't see h-how that is h-helping!"

America: **Get's up off Russia and Prussia**

England: "-reappears in the doorway, panting, with a bottle of vodka- Oh, Ivan~"

**Find out what happens next in PART THREE**

* * *

**Prussia seizes vital regions. BUT IN SOVIET RUSSIA: PRUSSIA'S GET SEIZED. -shot-**

**Hey, it was that or "IN SOVIET RUSSIA RAEP GETS YOU."**

**(It took all my willpower to not leave this comment in;**

**"**England: "-quickly pats self- Wait...wh-where's my Britannia wand?!" {{-EXPLODES- IT'S. UNDER. YOUR. WAITER. APRON. -is bombed-}}"

**& How well that last line ended was totally unplanned. We had to go right as I had posted that. I was pleased with myself :D**

**...I just noticed we forgot about Belarus. -shot-)  
**


	4. Episode One Part Three: The Final Attack

**HEY, LOOK WE FINISHED CHAPTER ONE. :3**

**Uh, not much to say here, other than I seriously admire you if you're reading this. It's kind of painful to read. xD**

**I apologize for the inconsistencies with actions and whatnot.  
Aka likes to bold her actions, and I like to put mine in dashes.  
Thoughts are italics outside of quotes.**

**Also, I apologize for inconsistencies with nation and human names. It doesn't really bother me, but I know it bothers some people.  
In case you needed it; Alfred - America, Arthur - England, Gilbert - Prussia, Matthew - Canada, Ivan - Russia, Feliks - Poland.  
**

**Warnings: A little Alfred/Arthur stuff towards the end, but you probably expected that. xD**

**Same people are the same characters.**

**Hetalia Crack Episode ONE**

**PART 3: The final attack**

**

* * *

**

America: "...oh right I forgot I had some vodka"

Canada: "-stares in disbelief-" _I k-knew it... They're b-both idiots... V-Vodka cannot h-help t-this situation..._ Russia: **twitches at the mention of vodka**

England: "-swirls the liquid in the bottle- Wouldn't you like some, Ivan? Alfred did promise vodka earlier, after all."

Prussia: "MUGH! MWUNGHWUGHN!"

Prussia: **NEEDS AIR LIKE NOW**

America: "...uh...what? Prussia I have no clue what you meant by that"

Canada: "-thinks- H-Hey, I-Ivan! A-Arthur told me that he c-could drink m-more vodka than y-you o-once!"

England: "...I said what now?"

Russia: **twitches**

Canada: "P-Plus, I-I think G-Gil needs a-air!"

Russia: **Pulls back and turns to face England **"Right Mathew ...air...and you think you can comrade England?"

Prussia: **gasps for air** "Jesus....Christ......thank....you....Mathew......"

England: "Uh...I...er..."

Prussia: "Ore-sams.............needs.......air.....damn.....it" **huff pant huff**

Prussia: "Even...............if...................ore-sama......................is.....................to.............epic..............................for.......................air........................ore-sama......................still................enjoys.........breathing"

America: ".....Prussia are you okay"

Prussia: "......_of.....................coarse..................I'm..................epically..............awesome"_** huff pant huff**

England: "-hides behind Alfred again- -whispers- Now's your chance! D-Do something, you bloody idiot!"

Russia: "......I DECLARE A DRINKING CONTEST DA!"

America: "....ummm with everyone or?"

England: "-whispers- F-Fuck..."

Russia: "No just comrade England da~"

America: "......oh Iggy now you have to"

England: "-glares pointedly at Canada-"

America: "-whispers-He challenged your manhood and it may be small but still you have to defend it"

England: "-whispers-What are you talking about?! I-I'm not sm-- -abruptpause- Never mind."

America: "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Prussia: "..aha....ha ha....hahaha..........hahahahaha" huff huff pant huff

England: "-reliefface- Never mind, Alfred. -hands him the vodka bottle-"

Canada: "U-Uh... C-Can I be u-untied y-yet?"

Russia: "no"

Canada: "-has to itch his face-"

Russia: "Were Matti I'll get it for my wife"

Canada: "-really doesn't want to be touched- U-Uh... my n-nose kind of i-itches. -twitches face-"

Russia: "Oh okay~" **smiles and rubs Canada's nose**

Prussia: "..ore-sama....would....like....some.....beer"

England: "What do you mean, you want beer? You can barely bloody speak!"

Prussia: "fuck....you......ultra....uke"

England: "S-Shut up, you fucking git!"

Russia: "Comrade England don't talk to my wife like that da"

England: "Your _wife_ needs to watch his bloody mouth, then."

Russia: _"Same goes for you comrade"_

Russia: "Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol"

England: "-grumbles and stays in his hiding spot behind Alfred-"

Russia: "Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol"

Canada: "-shudders-" _H-How long a-are they going t-to b-banter like t-this? R-Russia's getting s-scarier..._

Russia: "Something wrong Matti?"

Canada: "N-No! N-Nothing's w-wrong!"

Russia: "Are you sure"

Canada: "-nods head quickly-"

Russia: "I'll take your word then.."

England: "-whispers-Alfred, if we ran now, we might be able to get away. Granted, we'd leave behind...Matthew? Yes, Matthew."

Prussia: "Ore-sama...heard..that...you....bastard.....leaving....your...own....behind"

England: "-stiffens- -whispers- D-Dammit, Gilbert."

Prussia: "Ore-sama.......is.......so.......awesome"

America: "-whispers-Wait so you'd run and leave your manhood and male ego behind?"

America: "I'll let you do no such thing Iggy, for the sake of your manhood and male ego of coarse"

England: "-thinks for a moment- -whispers- M-Maybe! If that meant I lived!"

America: "Nope you'll do no such thing"

England: "F-Fine... -still hiding-"

America: "Good I'll go get more vodka, you stay here and defend your manhood well I'm gone, -whispers- if it's not too much to ask of you"

England: "-panics-" _D-Dammit, Alfred, don't leave me here!_

Prussia: ".....wimp"

England: "-glares-"

Prussia: "Ore-sama ......has.....been...trapped...in.... here....the...whole...time.. you.....wimpy....bastard"

England: "And I would rather the same fate not happen to me!"

America: **Leaves to go get vodka**

Russia: "What do you mean by that comrade England? kolkolkolkolkol"

Prussia: "....can....ore-sama.....have some.....beer?"

Russia: "hmm? But of course later, now so what do you mean comrade England? kolkolkol"

England: "-stiffens- I...uh..."

Russia: "Da?"

Prussia: "..hey.....Mathew....you....okay?"

England: "-gulps- What I, um, mean is... I'd rather like... to still be able to scratch my own nose?"

Canada: "-narrows eyes-"

Russia: "hmm? Something wrong Matti?"

Prussia: "...."

Russia: "..."

Canada: "N-No, I'm f-fine." _That b-bastard's mocking m-me._

Russia: _KOLKOLKOL that's not nice wife your my wife and I'm in your head to_

England: _Dammit, Alfred. You'd better_ run _up those stairs._"

Russia: **Stares that Canada and smiles**

Canada: "MAPLE!"

Prussia: "...what....is...it....Mathew?"

America: **RUNS INTO THE ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW**

Canada: "-mumbles to self- H-How is that p-possible..."

England: "-spins around- Oh, thank god."

Russia: "Cause your my wife, oh hello comrade America"

America: **huff huff **"I ....forgot...about...Belarus....good....thing...she....was...busy....chasing.....Poland...."

England: "B-Belarus?! What h-happened?!"

America: "I....went...to...the..store...but..on....the...way...back...I..spotted..her..chasing...Poland...so...I..bolted.....thank...god...she...didn't....see...me..."**huff huff**

Prussia: "yeah.....thank....god"

England: "The store? I thought you were just getting some downstairs!"

America: "yeah...cause...I....just..you..know...have a....whole...alcohol store......down..there"

Russia: "Why not? I have one but it only has vodka"

England: "-embarrassedly- Right, right."

Prussia: "look....if...your...going to.....kidnap...ore-sama...at least..have lot's of...beer"

Canada: "G-Gilbert! N-Nobody's getting k-kidnapped!"

Russia: "Who's going to kidnap you Gilbo? Matti is right you know"

England: _I could run, right now._

America: "Now Iggy it's time for you to defend your male ego!"

England: "-sighs- -whispers- Bollocks..."

Prussia: "..what....England...has...a...male ego?"

England: "-glares- Bugger off, Gilbert."

Russia: "Kolkolkolkolkol"

Prussia: "I....didn't know....England had a male ego"

Prussia: **Finally caught his breath**

England: "What, did you think I had a female ego or something?"

Prussia: "Yeah why?"

England: "Really, Gilbert? I could see that insult coming from a bloody mile away."

Prussia: "you should have seen it form 10 miles away"

America: "...just get to the contest already I'm bored"

England: "-exhales- Alright, fine, whatever."

Russia: **looks to America**

Canada: _T-This cannot e-end well..._

Russia: "Yes that sound's like a good idea da"

England: "Well, Alfred? You have the vodka."

America: "Right yeah" **Pulls vodka out of his grocery bag and gives a bottle to each of them**

England: "Oh, we're just expected to down a bottle?" _Hah, I can do that, easily._

America: "No, you need to down more bottles then the other to win"

Russia: "I hope you bought enough bottles then"

Russia: **downs the bottle like it's a glass of water**

Prussia: "...Your going down England"

England: _Damn. I mean, I...I can still do that._ "-glares at Prussia & starts chugging the liquid-"

Prussia: "...and can someone untie me?"

Russia: "No" **downs another again like it's a glass of water**

England: "-finishes the bottle and gasps for air-" _HOW DOES HE DO THAT?_

England: "-clumsily reaches for another bottle-"

Russia: **drinks down two more**

England: "-not even halfway through his second- -whispers- H-How..."

Russia:** Drinks down three more**

England: "-gapes and then flips the bottle upside down-"

Canada: "-chuckles- A-Arthur's so g-gonna lose..."

Russia: **Downs the last four bottles**

England: "-vision is already slightly blurry- N-No 'm not...! -grabs another bottle (barely)-"

Russia: **takes the ones that were for England and downs them**

Russia: "Don't you have any more?"

Prussia: "To late you already lost England"

England: "-finishes third bottle & gasps- Hey...! S'not bloody fair...! I could've drunk those...!"

Russia: "..Comrade America isn't there anymore?"

England: "-spins around & almost falls- C'mon, Alfr'd...You've got to 'ave more somewh're...!"

Russia: "Yes I would like some more vodka"

America: "No there's no more and I'm not risking getting caught by Belarus to get more"

England: "-huffs in exasperation & sways a little-"

America: "Iggy are you okay?"

England: "'m bloody fine. I could down a 'undred more bottles..."

America: "no Iggy your drunk"

England: "Noo~ -pauses- Well, 'm not _that_ drunk..."

England: "-tries to walk in a straight line- See? 'm perfectly fin-- -stumbles and trips-"

America: "Your drunk"

England: "-falls on the floor starts laughing quite hard- B-Bloody 'ell..."

Prussia: "..can I have some beer......or at least be untied?"

Russia: "You can have some later"

England: "But, _I_ could really go for some beer 's well...!"

Russia: "I think I'll take my wives and leave now da"

Canada: "...W-What?! I-I knew that w-wouldn't help a-at all!"

America: "I think you should stay the night Belarus is still out there"

Russia: "Oh right I'll stay in this room with my wives you and comrade England can stay in some other room"

England: "_We all liiiiive in a yellow submarineeee~ A yellow submarineeeeee~ A yellow submarineeeeee~_" America: **goes over to England** "Are you okay?"

England: "-laughs- 've never been bet-- -stumbles out of nowhere and falls onto America-"

America: "oh are you okay?"

England: "-laughs in response- 'elloooo, Alfred~"

America: "Iggy isn't usually this happy when he's drunk"

Russia: "Vodka makes everyone happy"

Prussia: "....do you feel like we're being watched?"

Prussia: "..I hope it's not Belarus"

Poland: "-randomly flies through the window-"

Poland: "Like...ohmygod. I do _not_ like, remember how I like, got here."

England: "-has arms wrapped around America's waist- "Look Alfred! 's Feliks! 'nd he brought a unicornnnnn~! -smiles-"

Russia: "Oh hello comrade Poland"

Poland: "-shifts away from Russia- Ew, like, I thought England said Russia totally, like, left."

Russia: "kolkolkolkolkolkol"

Prussia: "Poland can you untie me?"

Poland: "-makes a face at Russia- See, that's like, why Liet totally likes me more than you."

Poland: "Gilbert's here, like, too? Yeah, like, sure. But why are you, like, y'know, tied up?"

Prussia: "uh..."**looks to Russia**

Russia: "kolkolkolkolkol"

Prussia: "..uh...never mind that just untie me please..oh and _nice_ skirt"

Poland: "Like, alright... & ohmygod, I _know_! -moves hips a little- Isn't it like, the hottest thing _ever_? I bought it today with like, Liet! -walks around Russia towards Prussia-"

Prussia: "Oh untie Mathew first thou"

Prussia: "Mathew when he unties you start on my pancakes"

England: "-whispers- Alfred~ I want one 'f those..."

Canada: "-internally facepalms- A-Alright, G-Gil..."

Poland: "Mattie's like, here too? -spots him- Oh! I like, didn't notice you! -walks towards him-"

America: "Iggy? What are you talking about ....and why are you taking my shirt"

England: "-whispers- 've already got a unicorn~ I like th't skirt~. &...I dunnoo. -stupid smile-"

America: "I-I need that shirt thou Iggy I'm wearing it"

England: "B-Buuuut..."

England: "-whispers- But, we'll be like twins, 'cause 'm not wearing pants!"

Russia: **...is in the closet**

Russia:**...rapping Prussia**

Poland: "-finishes untying Canada- Hey, like, where did Gilbert & like, Ivan go? They were like, just here. & like, what happened to England?"

Prussia: **is being raped** "-whispers- ah- s-someone h-help?"

America: "...well...I guess but...."

Canada: "MAPLE! G-GILBERT!"

Prussia: "-whispers- I-I s-s-should be the o-one s-s-seizing v-vital regions"

Canada: "-flails- R-RUSSIA, L-LEAVE HIM A-ALONE!"

Poland: "Ew, like, gag me with a spoon. Ivan's like, molesting Gilbert? What kind of, like, parties do you guys have?"

Poland: "-gestures to Alfred & Arthur- & like, Arthur's molesting Alfred, too."

Russia: **is ignoring his other wife and Poland and having fun with Prussia**

England: "_Bicycle~ Bicycle~ I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike~_ -hums tune to self-"

America: "Iggy are you okay? I- um....I need my pants don't steal them just cause you don't have them"

England: "-chuckles- N' yuh don't, Alfred~"

America: "W-what? there my pant's Iggy you can't steal them off me"

Canada: "-hyperventilating- G-Gilbert...!"

Poland: "-smirks- Like, whoah, Arthur. I totally didn't know you had like, guts like that!"

England: "C'moooon, Alfreeeed."

England: "-nuzzles chest-"

Prussia: "R-Russia"

Poland: "Oh, wait, he like doesn't! He's like, wasted! -snorts laughing-"

America: "I-Iggy? What are you doing?"

Prussia: "-whispers- M-Mathew run now h-he's coming f-for you n-next"

Canada: "-curls in a ball on the floor-"

England: "-whispers- What'dya mean? -pulls self closer-"

Russia: **finishes and nuzzles Prussia **"Mmm~ my lovely wife~"

America: "Iggy?"

America: "...um...Poland?"

America: "Can you take um.. what's his name again?"

Poland: "Mattie? Yeah, but, like, where?"

America: "Um yeah take Mattie and go um...anywhere but here"

America: "How about you take him somewhere you want or whatever"

Poland: "-weird look- Yeah, like sure. -grabs Canada's shirt & pulls him out of the room- C'mon, Mattie, let's go like, have a make-over!"

Canada: "B-But, G-Gilbert! -voice fades off-"

Poland: "Shh, Mattie. I think Alfred & Arthur want to like, make-out or something."

England: "-starts singing Bohemian Rhapsody-"

Prussia: "-whispers- R-run Mathew s-s-save your self"

Russia: **Nuzzles Prussia more** "shhh~ Gilbo~"

America: "w-well um...Mattie right yeah Mattie is ..safe?"

England: "Feliks left with 'im, I dun know 'f that mean's he's safe, though."

America: "-whispers- well....their gone...anything you want to do now?"

England: "-smiles- 'ow did yuh know~? -clings to Alfred's neck-"

America: **wraps his arms around his waist**

England: "-attackkisses-"

America: **kisses him passionately**

England: "Took yuh, bloody long enough... -tries to cling to chest-"

America: "Iggy Poland was here before" **he picks him up **

England: "S'not like tha' was stopping me.. -kisses neck-"

America: "Well~"

Russia: "Awww so who's the wife?"

England: "-shirt is _not_ covering ass- U-Uh..."

Russia: **Peers out of the closet**

Prussia: **peers out of from behind Russia teary eyed**

Prussia: **sniff** "Russia" **sniff**

Russia: "Awww~ your jealous right? You want my attention right now~?" **looks to Prussia smiling then looks back to them** "Who's the wife?"

England: "-hides in Alfred's shoulder-"

Prussia: **sniff** "I think it's England Russia" **Sniff**

Russia: "Hmm yeah I think your right" **turns back to Prussia and cuddles him** "We should leave them be now~"

England: "-whispers- I...I think 'm gonna be sick..."

America: "Oh no Iggy you okay?"

England: "I dun...Oh...Oh bloody hell..."

America:** like a hero carries England to the bathroom**

England: "-promptly vomits...like an absolutely invincible British gentleman...?-"

Poland: "-hears gagging noise- Alright, Arthur! Like, he's totally like, finally getting some action! -twists Canada's hair in some sort of hairstyle-"

Canada: "-needs MAJOR mindsoap-"

America: "You okay Iggy?"

England: "-slumps backward- Tha' was rather attractive..."

America: "Iggy you gonna be okay?"

England: "-nods into America's chest- I dun even know where tha' came from, other than Gilbert."

Prussia: **sniff** "Your a bastard England"

England: "-flips off- I never said I wasn't."

Prussia: **sniff** "Ore-sama think's your a pervy old bastard of a ultra uke"** sniff**

England: "-clumsily tries to get up after Prussia- Fuck you!"

Prussia: **is still in the closet...behind Russia**

Russia: **turns to his wife** "Be nice now Gilbo"

America: "Iggy! Come back here!"

England: "-runs into a wall & falls-"

Russia: **turns to where England is** "You okay comrade England?"

Prussia:** Sniff** "ah ha ha ha, nice one England"

England: "-whispers- I 'ate all 'f you..."

Russia: **turns to Prussia** "Let's give them some alone time da~?"

Prussia: "u-uh o-okay"

Russia:** Smiles and wraps one arm around him then closes the closet**

England: "-stumbles back to America- 'm gonna 'ave such a bloody 'angover in the morning..."

America: **wraps his arms around him** "Well then we'll just have to make it worth it right?"

Prussia: **from inside the closet is heard moaning**

England: "-smiles drunkly- But, not 'ere... They're still in th' closet..."

America: "I have beds you know"

England: "-gives a '...well?' look-"

America: **picks him up again and brings him to an empty room on the same floor**

England: "-giggles & nips his neck-"

America: **wraps his arms around his small frame**

America: "......lose the shirt"

America: "..keep the jacket on thou"

England: "-chuckles & removes both before putting the jacket back on- Fine, but yuh 'ave to keep the glasses on~"

America: "Okay then~"

England: "-smirks- Pants. _Off_."

America: **ditches the pants and pins England to the bed**

England:** "-lifts head & kisses America's neck-"**

America: **lifts England's head and passionate kiss**

England: "-smiles a little- Mmm... -tries to shift body upwards-"

America: pushes down harder

England: "-deepens kiss & shifts legs-"

America: **deepens kiss more and kisses him more intensely and also weaves his legs through England's**

England: "-whispers- Mmf~ Alfred... -claws at blankets slightly-"

America: "you like that huh~" **intenses the kiss**

England: "-nods slightly & more pronouncedly claws at the blankets-"

**End of this Episode because it's Alfred and Arthurs really smexytime like to the max**

**

* * *

**

**Ohoho, did you think you were going to see smexytimez? -busbyschair'd-  
(Quite honestly, trying to WRITE that smexytime was ridiculously difficult when two people were playing two characters. It's much easier to write yourself. xD)**

I** had entirely too much fun with Drunk!England.  
Here's the songs I made him sing; "Yellow Submarine" - The Beatles, "Bicycle Race" - Queen.**

**Also, who else forgot about Belarus? -raises hand-  
**

**Episode two should be up in a few days. In which our dear Arthur awakens, and is REALLY CONFUSED. :3**


	5. Episode Two, Part One: OH SHI

**I don't know if I'll keep this in parts. I just felt a little bad, since some people are actually reading & alerting this.  
Plus, so far the entire thing we've written is over 14 pages in word.**

**Same people are the same characters. Frozenaurawolf even comes back as France for a snippet :3**

**HETALIA CRACK EPISODE TWO**

**PART ONE: OH SH-**

**

* * *

**

**

* * *

**

England: "-slowly wakes up- Fuck.. Bloody fucking hell.."

America: **is still asleep cause he's tired cause last night's ...awesomeness**

England: "-turns slightly and sees Alfred & promptly yelps (LIKE AN ABSOLUTELY INVINCIBLE BRITISH GENTLEMAN) & falls out of the bed- W-What the flying fuck is going on?!"

Prussia: "England? Is that you? Are you wake?"

Prussia: "For the love of god help me! Russia fell asleep on me! He's crushing ore-sama and he won't wake up!"

England: _G-Gilbert?!_ "-looks down & turns red-"

England: "-grabs closest clothing & puts it on-"

England: "-reluctantly moves towards Gilbert's voice-"

Prussia: "Thank god! England! Thank you man! He'd killing ore-sama!"

England: "-needs more mindsoap than Canada- -loudly whispers- SHH, DON'T WAKE HIM UP! –winces & softly whispers- Look, if I help you out of here, will you explain to me, WITHOUT MOCKING ME, about what happened last night?"

Prussia: "..only if you hide me at your house for a bit so he doesn't rape me again"

Prussia: "For like ...a week"

England: "-sighs- Alright, fine, whatever. -carefully pulls Prussia out from under Russia-

Prussia: **clings to England** "Thank god! Thank you England! I thought I was going to be stuck there till he woke up! –whispers- and then be raped again"

Prussia: **hug's England then sit's down away from the closet**

Prussia: "Okay so how much do you remember?"

England: "-awkwardly shifts- Uh, I remember there being a drinking contest... &...not much after that..."

England: "-continuously pulls up Alfred's pants-"

Prussia: "Well to put it bluntly and also get us out of here quicker"

Prussia: "I was raped by Russia Mathew need's mindsoap, and you flirted with America before..."

England: "-eye is already twitching-"

Prussia: "You threw up and then you two did it in the room over there"** points at the room England came out of**

England: "-quickly glances back- Bloody hell...Bloody fucking hell..."

Prussia: "Oh and"

Prussia: "Russia thinks your America's wife"

Prussia: "Oh and also Russia won the drinking contest"

Prussia: "And Poland was here"

Prussia: "But not when you threw up or made love to America"

England: "-turns red & looks at hand-" _Oh god, at least we didn't get married._ "Damn it! How well did I do?"

England: "-sighs in relief- S-So...if nobody saw, then h-how do you know...?"

Prussia: "I heard an Russia spied a bit also I was in the closet the whole time just so you know"

Prussia: "Russia told me apparently you did well or at least America thought so"

England: "-turns bright red-"

Prussia: "Can we please leave now? I don't want Russia to wake up and tie me up again"

Russia:** Turns in his sleep**

England: "W-We need to wake A-America up f-first..."

Prussia: **Jumps at Russia's movement and clings to England**

Prussia: "Then hurry up and do that"

America:** also turns in his sleep**

England: "-stumbles backwards a little & starts to move toward the other room-"

England: "-throws a pair of pants at America's head- ALFRED, WAKE UP."

America: **is fast asleep**

England: "-sighs & moves towards America's face- Alfred... WAKE THE BLOODY HELL UP, NOW."

Russia: **tosses at England's noise**

Prussia: "Don't wake Russia!"

England: "-jumps- There's a new McDonalds that was just built by my house, and we're leaving with out you."

America: "OH GOD! DON'T RUIN IT WITH YOUR BAD COOKING!"

Prussia: "He's up let's go please I don't want Russia to wake up"

England: "-tries not to yell at America for that comment- Alright, now that you're up, put on those pants, you're indecent. We're leaving, and your coming with. I want answers."

America: "Huh? Answers to what?"

Prussia: "...for the love of god just get ready so we can leave!"

England: "For once, Gilbert is right. We'll talk about it once we're out of this house."

America: "If you say so" **get's dressed**

England: "-nods once and starts heading towards the door-"

America: **goes up to Iggy put's his jacket on him cause he has no shirt and holds his hand**

England: "-turns red, but doesn't move his hand-"

America: "so not to hung over are you?"

Prussia: **run's to there side looks back to were Russia is and shudders**

England: "Actually, my head is _throbbing_. -notices Britannia wand on the ground on way out & pockets it-"

America: "Well you did drink a lot last night ...well not a lot but enough for _you_ to be drunk"

England: "-presses temple with free hand- How much _did_ I even drink last night? ...AND HEY, I CAN HOLD A SUFFICIENT AMOUNT OF LIQUOR. -winces-"

America: "Three bottles of vodka I think maybe four I'm not sure cause Russia drank most of your bottles before you could drink them"

England: _Only three...? Dammit._ "W-Well, it was probably just because I'm not used to vodka. Rum is a much better option, anyway."

England: "-coughs awkwardly- A-And, regarding last night. I brought you along so you could recollect some of it for me. _Not_ that I didn't enjoy Prussia's...erm, version of it."

America: "Huh? Oh don't you remember last night after the drinking contest?"

England: "N-No, I don't. I remember starting the contest, and then waking up this morning very, erm...disoriented."

America: "Oh? Well"

Prussia: "When will be getting to your house? Some time before Russia wakes up would be nice"

England: "Right, right. -starts heading forward & pulling America along with him-"

America: **smiles and picks England up and slumps him over his shoulder** "This way will be faster, come on Prussia let's hurry there"

England: "-glares a little- Just because I'm a little hung over, doesn't mean I can't walk, you git."

America: "I'm faster then you, and Prussia seems like he doesn't want to be caught again so I have to be the hero I am and help anyway I can"

England: "-grumbles unintelligibly- "

Prussia:** almost run's to the magic airport countries use**

Prussia: "Faster Russia could wake up and take me away again! Ore-sama wants to get away from here now!"

England: "Tell it to Alfred, s'not like I exactly have a choice in the pace we move. -grumbles-"

France: Skips in merrily~ "Bonjour Mi amis~!" is only wearing a rose over his ---- and has kitty ears

America: "Oh shi-" **picks up Prussia to and runs into the magical airport**

France: "OH ARTHUR HELLO~"

Prussia: "HEY HEY! PUT ORE-SAMA DOWN!"

England: "GO AWAY, YOU DAMNED FROG. -winces-"

America: **with England and Prussia in hand jumps onto the next plane and 'borrows' it**

England: "A-And, do you have no decency?! PUT ON SOME PANTS."

France: "Y-YOU HURT MY FEELINGS ARTHUR" -whines- "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?"

France: "AND NEVER~"

America: **takes the wheel** "ALRIGHT LET'S GET GOING~~"

England: "...Alfred, do you even know how to fly a plane?"

America: "PFFFT! HELL YEAH I DO!"

England: "-winces- COULD YOU NOT YELL, PLEASE?!"

America: "Fine then!"

England: "-sits in the co-pilot chair before Prussia can-"

Prussia: **pushes England out of in then sits down in it** "I don't want you distracting him cause your you"

England: "Y-You bloody bastard... -rubs temples-"

England: "Why did I agree to you staying at my house, again? The answer just bloody escapes me."

Prussia: "Cause ore-sama said ore-sama wouldn't make fun of you well ore-sama told you as much as ore-sama knew happened last night, and it was hard not to"

England: "-slides palm across face-" _You're an idiot, Arthur Kirkland, I hope you realize that._

America: "Huh? Prussia is stay at your house? Can I stay to?"

England: "_Please_. -awkwardpause- O-Only for the purpose of my sanity, o-of course..."

America: **notices that the MAGIC plane has gotten them there at England's house** "Oh look Iggy we're here~"

England: "-doesn't want to think about the fact Alfred landed a plane in front of his house- Alright, then, let's go inside. I really need some bloody tea..."

America: "Coffee taste better"

Prussia: "Beer is way better"

England: "No, it's not, Alfred. You used to like my tea, you know. And it is ungentlemanly to drink beer so early in the morning." _Even if I would_ really _like to right now._

America: "Bleh! Coffee is best"

Prussia: "Pfffftt no beer is"

England: "-sighs & walks towards the door of the plane-"

America:** walks over to England and takes his hand again**

England: "-turns red & slightly flustered-" _I-Is this considered a public display of affection, since Prussia's here? ...Either way, I suppose I don't care about being a gentleman around him._

Prussia: **jumps out of the plane and runs to England's house like Russia was already after him**

England: "You do realize that we're on another bloody continent, Gilbert, right?"

Prussia: "ORE-SAMA KNOWS THAT BUT JUST TO BE SAFE" **he calls to them without turning around till he's at the door**

England: "...I must have still been slightly drunk when I agreed to this."

America: "I think it's nice that your helping Prussia even thou you don't much care for him Iggy"

England: "-whispers- Not caring for him is a bloody understatement... Right, right, it's rather nice. You do know that none of this would have happened if you locked your doors more regularly, right?"

America: "Your the one who decided to come over to my house I didn't make you"

England: "W-Well I wasn't going to leave you there when Ivan was at your house! He could have mistaken you for...the bloke that resembles you...and you could've suffered the same fate that Gilbert did!"

England: "N-Not that I care o-or anything..."

America: **smiles at England then kisses his forehead **_"Sure you don't"_

England: "-turns redder- S-Stop that, you b-bloody git."

America: "Come on, let's catch up to Prussia" **smiles then looks to where Prussia is**

England: "-sighs- Gilbert, right." _It seems like I'm the only one who is disoriented about what happened last night..._

Prussia: "Hurry up you guys! Ore-sama wants to take a bath!"

England: "-pats pockets- Bloody hell, these aren't my trousers. My keys are in my trousers. -raises voice a little- There's a spare key under the mat, Gilbert. _Don't break anything_."

America: "Heh~" **picks England up and runs over to the house**

England: "-realises that they're _America's_ pants & blushes furiously-"

England: "Why do you insist on carrying me everywhere, git?!"

America: "...cause I can~"

Prussia: **get's the key opens the door and runs to the bathroom**

Prussia: "THANKS MAN!"

England: "Really, now? And why is that? -sighs after Prussia- DON'T BREAK ANYTHING."

America: **kisses his cheek and puts him down** "Never mind that I'm going to go see if you have anything edible"

England: "-stands flustered- A-Alright. Wait, of course I have edible food, git!"

America: **chuckles and walks into the kitchen**

England: "...I have this odd feeling that we've forgotten something rather important."

* * *

**Back at America's house**

Canada: "-wakes up next to Poland- M-MAPLE! -falls to the floor-"

Poland: "Ugh, I don't like, want to get up... What's your like, problem, Mattie?"

Canada: "O-Oh, it's j-just you, F-Feliks... W-We have to get G-Gilbert from I-Ivan & get o-out of here...!" Poland: "Gilbert's, like, fine. Him, Iggy, and like, Alfred left like an hour ago. Arthur like woke me up when he started like, screaming, but I like, wanted to sleep more. & ohmygod, I'm like, such a good make-over-ist~!"

Canada: "...O-Of course they l-left without m-me...B-Bastards..."

Russia:** Wakes up stretches looks around for Prussia makes a Kol face then notices Canada and Poland** "Oh good morning wife and comrade Poland"

Poland: "-whispers- Apparently they went to like Iggy's, but I don't know why, cause his place is like, totally lame, like to the max and stuff. _Oh_, it's like, Ivan." Canada: "-whispers- S-Shit... –talks normally- U-Uh, h-hi, Iva-an..."

Russia: "Matti can you make me some pancakes before _we_ head off to comrade England's?"

Canada: "-gulps- R-Right... I-I'll go d-do that... -stands up and pulls Poland with him-"

Poland: "But, pancakes'll make me, like fat and stuff!"

Canada: "J-Just shut u-up..."

Russia:** Walks over to them to watch**

Canada: "-shakes- -whispers- D-Dammit, G-Gilbert..."

Russia: "What about Gilbo?"

Canada: "N-Nevermind... -starts getting pancake ingredients-"

Russia:** smiles cause he's in a good mood even thou Prussia left and went to England's**

Poland: "Ugh, Mattie, I like, told you I didn't _want_ pancakes!"

Canada: "B-But, Ivan w-wants pancakes, F-Feliks...! -gives 'your a stupid bitch' glare-"

Poland: "-rolls eyes- Pft, then I'm like, leaving. Liet will like make me a breakfast that doesn't like, make me fat."

Canada: "-grabs arm- N-no. Y-your. _N-not._"

Russia: "Leaving so soon comrade Poland?"

Poland: "I guess I'm like, not, since Mattie's like, being a freak. -sits on counter- I'll have to text Liet and like, tell him I'll be home later, then. -pulls out sparkly pink phone-"

* * *

**And Back at England's**

England: "...Must've just been my imagination."

America: "What must've been?"

England: "I had the strangest premonition that we had forgotten something."

Prussia:** comes down stairs feeling a bit cleaner now and is only in a towel**

England: "-glances at the noise- GILBERT, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES."

Prussia: "Huh? Why ore-sama doesn't want to right now"

England: "B-Because it's indecent! You shouldn't walk around half naked when other's are around!"

Prussia: "Pffttt like you're the one to say that, and West never bothers me about it"

England: "-flushes a little-"

England: "W-Well, what you and Ludwig are comfortable with, doesn't necessarily mean everyone else is comfortable with it."

-England's phone buzzes on the table-

England: "-picks up phone and reads message- Apparently, a fellow named Mattie's rather cross with you right now, Prussia."

Prussia: "Mathew? ..OH SHIT! WE FORGOT MATHEW AT AMERICA'S PLACE! AND RUSSIA IS THERE!"

England: "Matthew...? Matthew...? Oh! I was right, we did forget something!"

America: "..um....Mathew? ....uh..right right"

England: "Well, I suppose he'll figure it out. It appears as if Poland is with them, as well."

England: "...Wait, why is Feliks even at your house, Alfred? I thought Belarus was after him."

Prussia: "..Poland? ......but what if.....OH SHI- HIDE ME!"

Prussia: "POLAND PROBABLY KNOWS WE'RE HERE AND IF HE KNOWS EVERYONE THERE KNOWS!"

Prussia: "HIDE ORE-SAMA!"

England: "...O-Oh, bloody hell, Gilbert's right."

America: "..........uh...oh right you forgot what happened last night Iggy"

America: **Laughs at what England said about how Poland came in last night**

England: "What's so bloody funny? What happened with Feliks last night?! -worries about the worst that could have happened-"

America: "Never mind let's find a place Prussia can hide"

England: _He's hiding something, I know it._ "Right, right. There's probably a closet upstairs that would be sufficient."

Prussia: **shudders at the word closet and has flash backs of last night**

Prussia: "Isn't there anywhere else I can hide?"

England: "-smacks forehead- Right, closet, bad idea. Well, I suppose we should go look around. Though, it's not as if I plan to let Ivan in anyway. Unlike _Alfred_ I lock my doors. -walks over and deadbolts the door for emphasis-"

* * *

**Back at America's**

Poland: "-snorts laughing- Alright, so like, tell me I wasn't like, the only one who like _heard_ Iggy and like Al last night. It was like seriously _obnoxious_" -sends another text to Lithuania-"

Canada: "-covers ears- N-No, I didn't...! And I d-don't want t-to hear about i-it now...!"

Russia: "Mmmm~ these are good Matti, and yes Poland I was on the same floor with Gilbo remember?"

Russia:** finishes up the last pancake get's up goes over to Canada picks him up puts him over his shoulder and looks to Poland** "Well comrade Poland me and my wife need to take a plane to England's house now"

Poland: "-giggles- Ugh, it was like, gag-me-with-a-spoon. & like, yeah, I guess these were okay, Mattie"

Canada: "W-What?! U-Uh, P-Poland, didn't y-you want t-to visit E-England t-too?"

Poland: "Uh, Iggy's like so lame, though. -sees the 'I WILL KILL YOU' look Canada's giving him- Oh, like, right, I was."

Canada: "W-We could d-drop him o-off there, c-couldn't w-we, I-Ivan...?"

Russia: **gives a kolkolkol smile** "So you're coming with us to comrade Poland?"

Poland: "Yeah, I like, guess so. -irritatedface-"

Russia: "Okay then, let's go now da~"

Poland: "Like, fine. -sends another text to England-"

**They took a plane but Russia made sure it would take two hours to get there he also took Canada to the back of the plane and pulled a curtain to cover them ...most likely Canada got graped**

**Canada only had this to say _'Canada: "M-Maple...!"'_**

**Poland was completely oblivious & preoccupied with a My Little Pony game**

* * *

**Back at England's**

Prussia: "And I just took a shower! why why ore-sama?"

England: "-checks phone- ...F-Fuck, they're on their way. Let's hide Gilbert, _now_. We'll just have to act natural, Alfred."

America: "Yeah but where can we hide him?"

England: "-runs hand through hair- I don't bloody know! Anywhere but in front of this large window?!" Prussia: "Screw it I'll hide in the closet just hide me now!"

England: "Second floor. There's four up there, I believe. The one in my bedroom is most spacious."

Prussia: "I'll take that one"** and with that he ran up stairs and a loud slam could be heard**

England: "-rubs temples at the slam- ...I need some bloody painkillers."

America: **Kisses England's temples then pat's his head** "I'll go see if you have any"

England: "-turns red but gives up on protesting at the affection- T-Thank you, Alfred."

America: "No problem Iggy"

England: "-walks to the kitchen to start boiling water for tea & then sits on his couch-"

America: **Walks in with a bottle of painkillers that seems to be empty**

England: "-glances- Hell, do I not have any?"

America: **strides over to him and smirks**

England: "-confused look-"

America: **he cups his hands around England's face**

England: "A-Alfred...?"

America: **presses his lips against England's and pushes the painkillers into his mouth**

England: "-quickly gasps & inhales the painkillers-"

England: "-pulls back and begins to violently cough- B-Bloo...dy...he...ll!"

America: **does the Heimlich like a hero**

America: "You okay Iggy? I didn't think you would inhale the painkillers"

England: "Don--...Don't make them come back out! I swallowed them, you git. & of course I was going to inhale them! Don't you think your bloody plans through?!"

America:** Pat's his head** "Yeah I did, but like I said I didn't think you would inhale the painkillers"

England: "-slumps back into the couch with his arms crossed- Well, I'm sorry I decided to gasp when you attacked me with your bloody mouth..."

America: "Heh you know you loved it"

England: "Right, I _love_ kisses that almost kill me with painkillers. I'd object more to it than that, but I don't feel I have the right to anymore after...-coughs- erm what apparently happened last night."

America: "hmmmm heh" **strides over to England smirks again sits down beside him and wraps his arm around him**  
America: "What is it you want to know about last night?"

England: "A-Ah, um...W-Well anything, I s-suppose. I don't r-remember m-much..."

America: "well anything you want to know in specific?"

England: "-turns red and looks down- I think you bloody well know what I want to know, Alfred."

America: **smirks** "No I think I don't I think you'll have to tell me~"

England: "You're such a fucking arse. -deep breath- Well, first off, I'd obviously like to know what events led up to me...-coughsawkwardly- uh, waking up...erm, with y-you...?"

America: **he pulls England closer**

England: "-squeaks- (Like an absolutely invincible British gentleman...a manly one...)"

America: **Pulls him even closer** "Wouldn't you like to know that~"

England: "I-Isn't that w-why I asked, g-git?"

America: "Heh" **pulls him on to his lap**

England: "-turns bright red- -whispers- This...this isn't...well it's not..._exactly_...what I...um..."

America: "I thi-"

Russia:** Kicks in the door with his foot and walks in Canada slumped over his shoulder**

England: "-turns redder (IF THAT'S POSSIBLE)-"

Russia: "Alright comrade England _where is my other wife?_"

Poland: "& I was like, 'Nuh-uh.' and Liet was all, 'Feliks!' and I was like, 'I like, swear I have no idea how the fork like ended up in the--' Oh, ew, they're like, at it again."

America: "...who are you looking for Russia?"

England: "Y-Yes...I don't know w-who you're talking about. It's o-only me and Alfred h-here!"

England: "A-And I'm pretty sure A-Alfred isn't one of y-your wives."

Russia: "America tell me where Gilbo is"

America: "Pffftfttt" **snicker** "Gilbo?"

Russia: "America tell me _now_"

America: "..or what?"

Russia: "I tried to be nice but now I think I'll have to punishes you, you hide my wife I'll hide yours"** lifts England off America slumps him over his over shoulder and leaves**

America: "W- IGGY!"

England: "-flails- B-Bloody-- P-Put me d-down! A-Alfred!"

England: "B-BE A F-FUCKING HERO, A-ALFRED! N-NOW!"

America: **runs after Russia and grabs England's arm**

Russia: "If you want him back, tell me where Gilbert is"

England: "-looks over at an unconscious Canada & pales-"

America: "but! That's!"

Poland: "-glances up from phone- Hey, where's like, Iggy going? Ugh, are we like, going on another plane ride? Cause like, last time, Canada and Russia like, totally ignored me!"

America: "But! I! Iggy!"

Poland: "They just like, hung out behind a curtain & made weird noises. It was like, totally boring. -goes back to his phone-"

England: "-chokes at Poland's comment-"

Russia: "I think you'll like it at my house comrade England"

England: "N-No, I highly d-doubt I will! -flails some more-"

* * *

**I'm a bitch right. CLIFF HANGER, DUN DUN DUN.**

**I have entirely too much fun writing Poland. xD**

**& Alfred has the best method for giving painkillers to someone~ 3**


	6. Episode Two, Part Two: facepalm

**A**/**N: I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT THIS, I SWEAR. So, we have more of this, but not enough to post another part after this one. I'll nag Aka to work on it some more.**  
**I really applaud you people for reading this. IT BURNS MY EYES when I look at it sometimes. & I think I make England way to OoC. -headdesk- xD**

**When we do work on this again, I'll try to put in some Spain & Romano, like someone asked. I would KILL to be Romano. 3**

**Anyway; I play England, Poland & Canada. Aka's got Prussia, Russia, & America.**

* * *

America: **tugs on England's arm with all his effort**

Russia: "Just tell me where Gilbert is"

England: "-grabs hold of America's arm as well-"

Russia: "I don't care who tells me, as long as I get my wife back"

England: "A-Alfred?! A-Aren't you going to bloody say something?!"

America: "but I'm a hero I can't betray people"

Russia: "My house is very nice...well in-till Belarus comes around that is"

America: "...he's in the house!" **tugs on England again**

England: "-sighs in relief-"

Russia: "...good enough I guess"

England: "C-Can you b-bloody p-put me down, t-then?"

Russia: **let's go of England making him fall onto America and walks back into the house so he and find his wife**

England: "-clings to America's shirt- A-Arsehole...T-Took you f-fucking long e-enough..."

Poland: "-glances- -mumbles to self- Ew, like, get a room."

America: **gives England the 'I'm a damn hero you idiot' look**

Russia: "hmm I'll check upstairs, Matti you wait here okay, and if you run away I'll have to punishes you" **puts Canada down on the couch and goes up stairs**

England: "-gives America the 'last night was our _only_ night, and I don't even remember it' look-"

Prussia: **Trembles in the closet**

America: **gives him an 'I can fix that' look**

Poland: "-strolls past America and England FABULOUSLY & sits next to Canada- Mattie like must be really tired, like he's been asleep for a while now. Which, sucks, cause like, I made him look like, _gorgeous_."

Poland: "-makes a face- But, like, somehow his hair got like, messed up. Weird."

England: "-glares at Alfred- -whispers- That could be _me_ you know, if you hadn't opened your bloody mouth in-fucking-time."

America: "Like I'd let that happen Iggy!"

America:** grab's England and holds him close**

Russia: "Glibo~ come out and I won't punishes you"

Prussia: **let's out a squeak then curses**

Russia: "Ah ha~ there you are~"

England: -mumbles something quietly about having a nice time before Russia barged in-

America: **picks him up and brings him inside**

Russia: **opens the door to the closet**

Prussia: "G-go away! Leave Ore-sama a-alone!"

England: "...You're never going to stop carrying me around, are you, git?"

Poland: "-on the phone- Lieeeeeeet~ Ugh, I am like _so_ bored, it's not even like, funny. Iggy's house, like, sucks, to the max. -glances back- Ugh, him and like, Al are back inside. Did I mention that they're totally like, doing it? -pauses- Yeah, I'm like, _dead_ serious! But, like, anyway. When are you going to like, come get me? Cause I'm like, stuck here!"

England: "-turns red once more-"

America: "Poland you know you don't have to stay here"

Russia: "Gilbo what have I told you about running away?"

Poland: "Ohmygod, I don't? Like, awesome! I was only here, cause like, Mattie threatened me with a horrible death glare. -into the phone- Liet, I'll be like, shopping in London. You should come buy me things, kay? -runs out IN A MINISKIRT-"

Prussia: **squeaks again and moves backwards into the wall of the closet then swears angrily in German**

Russia: **walks in picks him up and brings him down stairs**

England: "-is unconsciously cuddling into America's chest-"

Russia: "hmm do you have anything to drink comrade England"

Prussia: **is still only in a towel** "O-ore-sama wants beer!"

England: "-immediately lifts head- Y-Yes, I do. There's some in the fridge. I have plenty of beer as well."

England: "AND I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, GILBERT!"

Prussia: "O-ore-sama is to epic for pants!"

England: "No, you're just too much of a pervert for trousers. -rolls eyes-"

Prussia: "Shut up ultra uke! and get Ore-sama a beer!"

England: "-shifts angrily in America's arms- Get it yourself, you bloody git."

Prussia: "Ore-sam--"

Russia: "Da, I shall get us some drinks~" **turns and walks into the kitchen still carrying the mostly naked Prussia**

Canada: _M-Maybe if I-I pretend to still b-be u-unconscious, they'll a-all just f-forget about m-me, a-again._

Russia: "Matti we know your awake"

Canada: "-slightly sits up- B-But... I thought I-I was doing a-a good j-job at b-being unconscious...!"

England: "-glances back- Oh, I forgot you were still here."

Prussia: "BEER~~~~~~! Oh Matti we know these things you can't fool us"

Canada: "-perks up- G-Gilbert...?! Y-You're okay...?! -pause- W-Why did y-you leave m-me at Alfred's?"

Prussia: "uh...." **looks to Russia then back at Canada**

Russia: "Hm?"

Canada: "R-Right! -mutters- B-But, you s-still didn't think t-to b-bring me a-along..."

England: "...I feel like all of this is essentially what happened yesterday."

Prussia: "Beer~ beer~ BEER~~~~~!"

England: "-rubs temple- Must you be so bloody loud? -mutters to self- These goddamn painkillers better take effect soon..."

America: "I have more if you want them~"

England: "-turns red-"

Canada: -noticed the conversation- _I-I_ really _don't want to k-know..._

America: "Well you want one?"

England: "I-If it was given to me _normally_, Alfred."

America: **presses his lips against England's and pushes the painkillers into his mouth again**

England: "-eyes pop open, but he doesn't gasp this time-"

England: "-uncomfortably swallows & pulls back- Y-YOU BLOODY G-GIT! I-I _TOLD_ YOU NOT TO DO THAT!"

Canada: -quickly looks away- _Ididn'tseethat, Ididn'tseethat, Ididn'tseethat..._

America: "No~ you said to give it to you normally, so I did it's my normally for you~"

England: "Obviously I meant like a normal person would take them, git. You know, where someone hands them a pill, and they take it themselves?!"

Prussia: "Beer~ beer~~ BEER~~~~~~~~~~!"

England: "Why must you always be obnoxious, Gilbert...? -under his breath- Well, at least it looks like he won't be staying here anymore."

Prussia: "Why must you always be an ultra uke when you're with America?"

England: "-splutters-"

Prussia: "Russia grab more beer"

England: "J-Just how much of my beer do you think you're taking?!"

Prussia: "hmm ALL OF IT GET ALL OF IT RUSSIA!"

England: "YOU TOSSER, I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD HAVE ALL OF IT!"

Canada: _D-Did nobody l-learn from last n-night that a-alcohol doesn't h-help...?_

Prussia: "I WANT IT ALL! ORE-SAMA GET'S WHAT ORE-SAMA WANTS!"

England: "-shifts angrily & pauses- ...Wait, Alfred why are you still carrying me? Come to think of it, why did you pick me up in the first place?"

America: "uh.....I forgot"

America: "I think it cause I was bringing you in maybe"

Russia: **takes all the beer he can carry well holding Prussia with one arm**

Prussia: **takes the rest of the beer**

England: "..._Right_. -brief pause- So are you, erm...going to put me down?"

America: "When I think it's safe to"

England: "A-Alright... Though, I don't think Ivan means us any immediate harm. Him and Gilbert...-notices them- ARE JUST TAKING ALL OF MY BEER!"

Prussia: "You like rum anyway right?"

Prussia: "So why do you care"

England: "Right, s'not like all of that wasn't expensive, Gilbert. -grumbles-"

Prussia: "Pffttt money"

Russia: "Be nice Gilbo"

Prussia: "....is it me or were you really quiet for a long time?"

England: "-slouches back smugly in America's arms-"

Russia: "Oh I was thinking that's all"

Prussia:** gulps** "A-about what Ore-sama demands to know"

Canada: _I w-wonder where K-Kumajiro w-went..._

Prussia: "The bear can't even remember your name Mathew I don't think you should care"

Russia: "Listen to Gilbo Matti he's right you know"

Canada: -slumps back into the couch-

Canada: "-abrupt realization- W-Wait...! G-Gilbert you're i-in my head t-too...?"

England: "-sniffs America's jacket- Alfred, your bloody jacket smells like hamburgers. Do you keep them in the pockets or are you at blasted McDonalds that often?"

Prussia:** see's England is distracted and drinks every last beer in the house like a Prussian**

Russia: "oh you drank it all"

America:** holds England closer** "Of course I keep them in my pockets when I save them for lunch when I have breakfast"

England: -makes a face- "Your logic never ceases to amaze me, Alfred..."

Prussia: "Y'look silly England w'your in America's arms"

England: -reddens- "At least I'm not the slurring drunk."

Prussia: "Y'were last night"

England: "Oh, shut up, git."

Prussia: "I t'we should go buy s'ora beer"

England: -glances towards him- "Christ, Gilbert, how did you down that many already?"

Prussia: "Ca's I'm fucking a'esome"

England: -rolls eyes & yawns-

Russia: **cuddles Prussia in his arms**

England: "Oh bloody hell, I was boiling water for tea!"

Prussia: **squeaks**

America: "Oh right"

England: -sighs- "Well, I don't suppose I'll be having any tea anymore. I should turn it off."

Russia:** giggles that creepy-ass giggle (we all love)**

Prussia: "England y'must join u'in drinking ca's Ore-sama sa'so"

Russia: "Oh you want comrade England to join us Gilbo?"

England: "T-That's quite alright. I'm still recovering from last night's incident. I don't think alcohol is in my best interests right now."

Prussia: "Ore-sama demands y'drink with us'England!"

Russia: "Well then you shall join us comrade England da~?"

England: "I...um...er... -exhales- A-Alright, fine."

England: "-pauses-...Um, can you put me down, Al?"

America: "Okay Iggy"** put's him down on the couch**

England: -slowly stands up and makes his way to the kitchen to get some rum-

Prussia: "Mhmm" **cuddles into Russia's chest to take a nap**

Russia: **giggles the creepy-ass giggle again and cuddles him close** "Can you get me some vodka comrade England?"

England: "U-Um, sure... I-I'll check to see if I have any." _Please dear god, let me have some here._

_

* * *

_**  
(Wow, way to look out for your ass-bitch, America. _Are you planning something_~? -shot-)  
Well, you guys can request some stuff, if you'd like. I don't know the next time we'll work on this, but we'll try to add in whatever you guys want. xD  
**


End file.
